Sadie Rose & I had a less than stellar nursing experience. Turns out that was most likely from her moderate to severe case of GERD, or acid reflux. (-that deserves a post of it's own, ugh!) The breastfeeding, the pumping, the bottles for each feeding were beginning to break down my soul.
At church I saw other moms with bottles, and I swear, I have NEVER felt jealousy like that! I LONGED to be like them. To just whip out a bottle whenever, wherever. I'm not a "boobs-out-in-the-open" kinda girl. -Especially if there are men around. I'll leave and go to a private place. But those who know me, know I'm a "center-of-attention" kinda girl. (maybe it's the middle child in me craving attention? Hmmm) I HATE to miss out on the party which is undoubtedly going on while I'm locked away in a spare bedroom. So not only was Sadie having awful eating issues, but I was becoming resentful of being tucked away.
So breastfeeding eventually died a guilt-full death. Full of sleepless nights, full of tears, full of interrogating every young mother around me.
I've been going back and forth with my conviction for breastfeeding Baby #2. Wondering if it would be worth the effort. Wondering if I'd be able to stick with it. Wondering if I even WANTED to stick with it. With Sadie I was able to borrow a pump. This time, the pumps I knew of were already in use, so I had to decide if I wanted to buy my own. I had a hard enough time breastfeeding WITH the pump, I KNEW I would fail without it. Thought about renting, but after 12weeks, it would be the same cost as a pump I found on sale. SO....
I bought the pump! Here goes nothing!
Me TRYING to be excited!
But I feel a little more like this.
I don't know if I'll have any more success this time, but we'll give it a try. Ya know, I did learn a bunch from Sadie's experience. I've learned that even if we quit, our new baby can be just as smart, happy, and healthy as Sadie turned out to be. That may sound like I'm preparing myself for failure, but really it's just taking off some of the pressure. That pressure is what killed me last time. (I still don't understand why strangers feel the need to ask if I'm breastfeeding. Weird, right???) I learned that I'm not the only one that had issues with nursing, which really helps me be more relaxed now when problems arise. And I learned that we all survived. In the end, regardless of what we choose, we all lived to tell about it, and we'll live again.
Wish me luck!
16 comments:
I do wish you luck! But mostly I wish you peace with whatever happens :) You are an AMAZING mom and whether or not breastfeeding works out with baby2 doesn't change that fact at all!
I breast fed Zac and it was VERY hard for the first 8 weeks. I was not getting sleep. He was having reflux so I had to cut out things I ate that were bothering him. He wasn't latching very well so it hurt. It was much harder than I thought it would be. I think the misconception is that because you are 'equipped' it should be natural. I am glad I was able to breast feed because it became easier and quick. It gave me time to cuddle with him. Zac isn't a cuddly kid so I miss it now just for the cuddles. I used a wrap and relaxed in front of others. I would be properly covered up, Zac got used to distractions and was a focused eater. It is nice to ask before hand if it bothers anyone, but most people don't care if you are covered. If you have the desire try it. Relax, know that it takes time and each child is different. I have a friend that had a lot of the same issues with her first that you had with Sade and she successfully breastfed her 2nd for the whole first year. It can be done. I agree with Steph completely. Whatever happens you are an AMAZING Mom!
Oh my gosh. I seriously just cried over this issue myself yesterday. I am a huge baby. I am breastfeeding #4. I have had a hard time with all of them! It's not easy. I totally hear you on not wanting to be locked away in a spare room!! Yuck. Hate that. I also hate being stuck nursing when my other kids need me. Grr. I read everything I could get my hands on. From what I found, breastfeeding has HUGE benefits. Benefits that I decided I might feel worse about not giving my babies if they had trouble later.(this is just my opinion, not saying you or anyone else will feel this way) The other factor that helped me try this for time #4 was thinking that I will have these kids forever, and I only have to do this for 1 year (give or take). I try to keep it in perspective. It's a huge sacrifice and I'm always chanting in my head "it's worth it, it's worth it, it's worth it!" I had better be right! Cory can be a huge help to you. Ask him to support you (emotionally) in choosing to breastfeed or choosing not to. When the crazy and regrets start coming out about whatever you decide, have him run your logic back to you and remind you why you chose whatever you did;) Good luck. Vent all you need to about this one! And thanks for helping me feel like I'm not the only mom struggling with it.
I had problems breast feeding Kels. I never made enough (about 2oz) for her so I had to supplement with the bottle after each feeding. I only did it for about 6 months. At first it was very difficult for me to realize and come to terms with the fact that I had to bottle feed her as well. But once I got over it I didn't really care what other people thought. I was also praying my face off to be able to deal with it. I would kill to be able to just breast feed the next one. I didn't like being in public either but if I could just breast feed the next time around I think I would do anything now!:)
We sound similiar. With Mia I struggled with breast feeding and pumping and after three months I gave up. Using a bottle was just so much easier and I could leave her with anyone. I work and pumping at work wasn't appealing to me so that was that. With Brooks I was determined to make a better effort. So for the first two months I was really good and breast feed most of the time. I would pump occasionally to be able to build up for when I went back to work. When I went back to work I was able to take him most days and I breast fed and pumped. Eventually when I couldn't take him as often I began pumping more and more and he finally stopped breast feeding all together. However I am still pumping every threeish hours while at work and at home. I even wake up in the middle of the night to pump to make sure that he has enough food. It is a lot of work and planning however I feel like it is worth it and I plan on finishing out the year. I only have 5 1/2 months left. I can still leave him I just leave him with milk that has been pumped.
Sorry for the long explanation I just wanted you to know that even if you can't breastfeed (because I think it is extremely hard) you can still give them the benefits of breastmilk. Good luck I am excited for you, little boys are so fun.
After having my first I feel so much more easy going about things. Whatever works for baby and mom is going to be best in the long run. Feelings of guilt and regret are so easy to feel as a parent and they don't do anyone any good. So for the most part I try to put them aside and move on. I try my best and hope god picks up the slack.
You are so cute! You know that I feel the same way you do. I got lucky with Hudson in the breastfeeding department. He was a natural:) Maybe you will get lucky too. I have learned that being a mom is hard enough. We need all the emotional stability we can get, and if that means not breastfeeding then so be it! Good luck though! Love you girl!!!
I was curious about your blogpost from facebook. I also had MANY issues with Max. He had reflux, colic, latch issues. I lasted 9 weeks with intermittent quitting and starting back up again. I also had post partum depression. I cried about breasfeeding every time I fed him since he would scream at my breast for 5-10 minutes before latching and my nipples had weeping open sores on them. When I finally let it go my husband said that was the greatest day of his life. And then I could make him feed Max in the middle of the night so I could get more sleep (That helped a lot with the depression). BELIEVE me when I say I wanted to be an exclusively breastfed mom. I am aware of the benefits (all too well since I'm a pediatric nurse) BUT Every baby is different, every mom is different, every BREAST is different. Do what works best for you and don't let anyone else make you feel bad about it! A healthy mom means a healthy baby, whether you are breastfeeding or not!
And I too want to try to breastfeed again when I have more kids (to my husbands horror!)
I'm planning on breastfeeding my baby, but I'm not above switching to bottles if, for some reason, it just doesn't work out. I think it's okay for people to have personal opinions about the breastfeeding vs. bottle debate, but I don't think anyone has the right to judge anyone else based on their decision. We all do what's best for our kids, and if that means bottle feeding to make sure that mommy isn't stressed and miserable, then I say, great! But at the same time, I wish you lots of luck in your second endeavor, maybe this time it will go blissfully smooth for you. :)
I think it is so weird when random strangers or male coworkers ask if i am breastfeeding. Why do they care?? anyway, good luck! Hopefully baby 2 will be a champion eater!
Ali, don't feel bad about either decision. My first 2 were bottle fed (you know why)and my third was breastfed. They've all turned out equally smart and healthy. Luckily breastfeeding for me was quite easy, but that's not the case for everyone. My SIL had the same battle as you with her first and had her mind set on bottle feeding here second. She decided to give BF a try and voila, her second baby was a cinch to BF. Every baby is so different. Give it a try and don't torment yourself if it doesn't work out. Formula isn't what it used to be back in the day. Now it's so much better and has ALMOST as much nutritional value as BF.
As far as being stuck in another room, I hear ya. At first when I couldn't figure out the blanket-over-the-baby feeding, I hated being left alone. After about 2 months I got pretty comfortable with the cover-up. But then again, I am more of a "boobs-out-in-the-open" kind of girl (I laughed when I read that in your post, BTW). When I was BF I didn't feel like I even owned my body, so I wasn't as ashamed to "bare it all" (within reason). Good luck.
Down with unnecessary guilt! (Listen to this podcast if you can—it's healthy: http://mormonmatters.org/2011/09/14/51-the-dynamics-of-guilt-and-shame/)
You can't compare apples to oranges, and especially not other people's apples to your oranges, if you know what I mean.
Cory, before Max was born, gave me the soundest advice ever and I keep coming back to it: as long as you don't drop-kick your baby, you are doing a great job. You even want to FEED your baby! :) So no worries. Some pain, which sucks and seems unavoidable, but no worries, whatever happens.
Breastfeeding and I worst enemies. I cry, I stress, I pump, and only with 1 child did I win. I rented that Medela Pump with my last babies and it was worth every penny, so good choice. With Jack I nursed for 5 weeks and they were awful. With Brooke it was so much easier for some reason and I pumped for 6 months! This time i made it 1 month is all, and decided to let go of the guilt. Try it, if it doesn't work don't beat yourself up. Somebody told me, "the baby just needs a happy mommy, she doesn't care if she drinks breastmilk or formula." Ding. Convinced me enough to quit and be happy about it. I totally preferred pumping for 5 minutes in solitary confinment, and then rejoining the party too. Good luck girlie....do what is best for you, and don't worry about what any other soul thinks :)
I know I don't have a baby, but after reading this post my heart totally goes out to you. You make the best point by saying you have an incredibly smart child and she didn't breastfeed, and you should never feel bad about making whatever choice feels right for you and your baby, or whatever choice allows your to feel less stressed!
So I know I'm not a mom and I don't have any experience with breastfeeding but my heart goes out to you Alli. I know it can be tough for mom's when BF doesn't go well. We spent some time in one of my child development classes discussing that some mom's feel like they are a failure when BF is a challenge, but as other people have said, each baby is different. You shouldn't have to worry about what other people think because honestly it is your decision. If you are comfortable with your eventual decision then that's that. You're a great mom and Sadie is an amazing little girl so don't worry, you'll do amazing with this little one.
For sure good luck! I am sorry that you had to go through all of that with sadie. Every child is different, and hopefully this one will be a whole new experiance for you! That pump is by far the best! That is the one I have and I LOVE it! Good luck!
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