Okay moms of multiple kids. This one is for you! I'm needing your help. Baby boy will be here in 2&3/4 months (but who's counting?). While I am THuh-RILLED to meet my little man, I just started to feel guilt about leaving Sadie...
I know, I know, I'm not "leaving" her. And Sadie is really excited for "Baby Brudder." But I'm feeling some anxiety about my relationship with her changing.
When Cory's gone so much for his school responsibilities, then it's me and this girl! All the time! Sun-up through sundown. Now, sometimes we need a break from each other; but we're a team, Sadie & I. In fact, Sadie often says, "Go to Daddy's house!" That means, "Go Home." She sees us as this little traveling duo that just visits other people's houses, Ha!
A friend of mine told me that kids don't know that they are a completely separate person from their mother until around age 3. I know that sounds kind of silly, but part of it makes sense to me. My gut is TIED to that little girl. I don't even believe that we're two separate people. :)
Well, I guess things change, and I know that this change is for the better. Sadie will learn some independence from me. She'll learn how big and grown up she is by helping with the baby.
And I'll get a new precious life for my guts to be tied to. :)
6 comments:
Trevor's sister, Lisa, just posted in her blog not long ago about the same exact thing, worrying that her son, Jaxon, would feel left out and unloved when the new baby came. I know this doesn't actually help you, but at least you can rest assured know that you're not alone!
Hey Alli! I saw your post on facebook. :)
I totally know what you mean. I was so nervous to have Rachel since it was always just me and Halle. And as stupid as this sounds I thought how can I love another child as much as I love Halle, I know I'm awful for even thinking that, but I was worried. As soon as Rachel was born it was that same immediate unconditional love that I had for Halle. It was so much fun to have Halle "help" me with Rachel. Not saying the transition to 2 was a complete breeze but it went a lot better than I thought it would!
Our blog is private but I'll send you an invite in case you want to check it out.
I had these exact same questions/concerns when we got Ava and Grant. Noah and I did EVERYTHING together. No matter how many people tell you that you will love your next child just as much, you never really believe it until it happens.....and believe me, it happens. I'm not going to lie though, your relationship with your first does change. You can't spend every waking moment doing what they want to do, and now there's another person thrown into the mix and they need just as much attention. Even though I'm the only one feeling guilty about not spending as much time with Noah, I know he's just fine. In fact, I was really worried that he wouldn't be independent at all, but he's had to start doing things on his own out of necessity. Luckily, they're so young, they won't even remember what it was like to not have a sibling. I don't think you'll ever have the kind of relationship with another child like you do your first (not in a bad way, but you don't have that kind of time after another one comes along). I think every mom has these feelings when #2 comes, but after that you realize you can add another child to the mix and love him just as much, so then when 3, 4, 5, 6...(you're having that many, right?) you'll know it's possible to spread your time, love and energy to all of them. Sorry, that was really long.
So I had the exact same worries with Mikinly. For 3 1/2 years we had spent pretty much everyday together and she was used to doing everything with me. She was older so she totally understood that a baby was coming and staying with us. That is was a permanent situation.
I was still really worried about how it would effect our family in every way. We were all going to have to change and make a little room for our new addition. I was worried about having to attend to the baby so much and ignoring Kinly.
I'm not going to lie the 1st month was hard for me. I cried alot because I felt like all my time was spent on the newborn. You could tell it was hard for kinly because she was acting up and being extra naughty. so we came up with a plan to make sure she got some special time each day where it was just her and mom or dad. Reading books or whatever she wanted. We took turns with this and the babe. also on saturdays we did mommy, daughter dates. We went to lunch and movie or whatever. Those helped a ton to make her feel really special.
Things calmed down and now I have more time to talk and be with her. Now we try to inculde Ava in our routine and be 3 girlies instead of mom and kinly then baby.
Also I tried hard to include Mikinly in helping with Ava whenever I could. I let her hold the baby as often as possible. She helps pick out her clothes and get diapers, make bottles. all kinds of stuff. Be prepared for Sadie to revert a little bit and want to be a baby for a while. Back to bottles and rocking. We would rock kinly and pretend to feed her. Then we would tell her how much we loved her and the BIG girl that she was. We didn't want her to be a baby. Well I hope that help some. Good luck AL! Call me if you need anything.
I think the thing that really did the trick for us was when baby brother came home from the hospital, he had brought big brother a gift. (we did a backpack with art supplies in it...which was also entertainment while I was nursing :) Carter thought this was great and knew his baby brother loved him and so it was okay for us to spend some time with baby.
Someone told me before I had #2 that the baby doesn't realize you aren't holding them a certain amount of hours in a day, but the toddler does. I thought this was interesting and true. Really, a new baby could care less they are in their bouncer, swing, whatever, but the toddler knows you aren't 'holding' them. So I would always hold Cole when I could of course, but there were many times I really could have him in his bouncer and having 2 hands to play with Carter.
I always tried to have 'special time' with Carter 2-3 times a day. It sometimes was only 5 minutes, but it helped.
Also, give the toddler a month and then they honestly can't remember life without #2 around.
Once Cole was sitting up the two kids have been such great buddies that I am sometimes even the one who feels left out :)! It is seriously easier to have 2. The older one is so happy to have a buddy around.
I feel ya sista! I didn't feel that way being pregnant with Millie...Jake was 7. But having another this close almost feels like I am cheating on Millie:( I adore her and we have so much fun together all day long..Maybe girls have a different bond with mommy!? Who knows? My good friend told me it all feels right and your worries go away when the other baby comes.. I hope so! Let me know, you're due sooner;0
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